Control

The scary thing is, I don’t really know what I’m going to write! Which might, ironically mean I’m not quite in control of what I write! Oddly though there’s a wonderful freedom in that. It means I can simply start writing and see where it goes. I’m going to let you into a little secret (apologies to those of you who think Christians, and certainly minsters, shouldn’t have secrets): that’s what I do when I’m writing a talk. I mostly just start writing! It’s not that I haven’t done lots of reading and thinking before I start writing. I have. Always. But mostly I don’t know what I’m going to write (or, I suppose in the end, say) until I put pencil to paper. And for those of you who are curious, I always write talks with a pencil and paper. It works for me! Anyway, I might already have lost control of what I’m going to say! What I’ve found when writing a talk is not to think I have to know exactly where I’m going before I start, but to follow where I end up going! On my word! I’m wondering how I’d get away with that in a workshop on preaching. I probably wouldn’t, because there are norms and protocols to writing a talk. And “just start writing” I don’t think is be one of them. But here’s what I think. I think God is creative enough to work with me as I “write” a talk. And, if I don’t have control, in the sense that I know the answer before I start, then maybe, just maybe, God has the room to move as I write! And here’s what I’m learning: I don’t have control of God anyway! How ludicrous to even think I might have control of God. But you know, I think when I first began to write talks (over thirty years ago now), that’s what I thought I was doing. I was trying to explain God, the things God did, had done and would do. It was like I was trying to be in control of God so that others could understand God for themselves. I was terrified of “getting it wrong” and leading people astray. What I think I’m learning is that I’m not in control of God (yes I know, in some ways of course I never thought I was in control of God) and God is so much bigger and better than anything I could ever write in a talk, I should stop worrying about it and learn to embrace the truth that God is beyond me. But that’s a bit scary if I have to “get it right” in a talk. So, here’s my dilemma: I love writing talks and talking about God (just in case you hadn’t noticed), but I’m less and less sure I can do that. On the other hand, the God I now think I believe in is so much bigger and better than the one I believed in thirty years ago, and I want to talk about this God, even if I find the words hard to come by! On my! Who’d be a preacher? (I don’t like that word, but I used it because I’m guessing you’ll all understand what I mean by it). So, where am I going with all this? Well…I think I’m saying I’m realising that giving up control of God is a good thing, even if it brings its challenges. I now don’t have to worry so much about “getting it right” because God is so much bigger than anything I will ever say. And, if I do “get it wrong” God is in control of that, not me! And I think he’s quite capable of finding ways to help us through any mistakes I might make. Which means letting go of control gives God the room to move. And that has to be a good thing doesn’t it?